The GAA Virus
The Internet Viruses Council has just issued a warning which should be taken very seriously concerning viruses which may strike during the summer months - in Ireland in particular. This group of nasty viruses are referred to as "GAA computer Viruses" and are named and described as follows:-
The Meath Virus: Throws you out of Windows.
The Clare Virus: Memory forgets everything before 1995.
The Kilkenny Virus: Guaranteed to hit 5 times on the 11th of September 2000.
The Tribesman Virus : Appears and disappears on one Sunday in August.
The Kerry Virus: Five years of hard work wiped out by undetected Offaly mail.
The Waterford Virus: Not due to strike again for another 40 years.
The Colin Lynch Virus: Boots up some Waterford computers and carries on as if nothing happened.
The Ger Loughnane Virus 1: Virtually impossible to rid your PC of this one.
The Mayo Virus Family: Always billed as harmful, but really are nothing to worry about.
The Mick O'Dwyer Virus: Attempts to install lots of foreign programs to replace existing slow-running applications.
The Limerick Hurling Virus: Causes problems for 65 minutes then disappears never to be seen again.
The Babs Keating Virus: Enters a PC, attempts to delete all existing programs and reformat hard drive; when detected and removed it generates weekly log files citing errors in bits 8 to 15.
The John Maughan Virus: System crashes in September.
The John Leahy Virus: A particularly lethal virus. Users are advised to tie down the monitor as a precaution before approaching.
The David Forde Virus: Hasn't been seen since the "Michael Duignan Virus Killer" was invented.
The Michael Donnellan Virus: Attacks operating system and timekeeper and then deletes all records of this ever occurring.
The Offaly Virus: Often looked on as a benign irritation but strikes your OS as you are about to shut down. Often results in the firing of the General Manager of your PC manufacturer.
Ger Loughnane Virus 2: A continuous whining sound emitted from speakers, keeps generating data corruption messages, PC blows up but it won't accept any blame.
The Martin Lynch Virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.
The Kieran McDonald Virus: The lights on you PC are all on but nothing works.
The Rebel Virus: Cheats your PC at vital time, plays outside the rules every chance it gets. Anti Viral solution being worked on by Loughnane Ltd. Rebel Virus to be put down 9/7/00.
Loyal GAA Supporter ....
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Roscommon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Roscommon fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Roscommon fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Roscommon fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Roscommon fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cork fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum is a Cork fan and my dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Dublin fan."
An Irishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied
an old Indian sitting in the corner with his tribal gear on, long
white plaits, and an incredibly wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" said the Paddy.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He
can remember any fact. Go on, try him out."
So the Irishman goes over, and thinking that he won't know anything
about hurling, asks "Who won the 1996 Munster Semi Final played in the
"Limerick," replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Clare," was the reply.
"And the score?"
"15 points to 1-13."
"Who scored the winning point?"
"Ciarán Carey," was the old man's reply.
The Irishman was knocked out by this and, when he returned home, Told
all his friends and relatives about the amazing Memory Man.
Five years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
Impressive Memory Man again. Eventually he found the bar and there,
sitting in the same seat, was the Indian, looking older and even more
The Irishman was delighted to see him, and, deciding to greet the
Indian in his native tongue, approached him with the greeting "How".
"Solo-run out of the half back line." replied the Memory Man.